Benefits of Nuclear Famililes

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Nuclear families consist of two parents and their children, whether biological or adopted. This graph taken from a national survey provided by the CDC/NCHS drawn from data spanning 2001-2007, clearly identifies the truth that nuclear families are the most stable form

of familial relationships and yield the highest instances of emotional stability. Children who are raised by both a mother and a father tend to have greater ability to cope with high levels of stress and feel securely attached to parents and siblings. The before mentioned survey also concluded that “children in nuclear families were generally less likely than children in non-nuclear families…to have learning disabilities and hyperactivity disorder.”

Whereas there is clear evidence of the difficulties of the single-parent family. According to the American Psychological Association, some of the most common difficulties found in single parent homes include:

• Visitation and custody problems;
• The effects of continuing conflict between the parents;
• Less opportunity for parents and children to spend time together;
• Effects of the breakup on children’s school performance and peer relations;
• Disruptions of extended family relationships;
• Problems caused by the parents’ dating and entering new relationships.

Though difficulties arise in all families of all levels of diversity, traditional nuclear families generally provide added benefits which positively influence children and families. Simply stated by Robert and Jeanette Laur in their comprehensive text entitled Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy, “Most Americans…continue to value marriage and family. They want good marriages and satisfying family lives for themselves . And a large majority of those living in a family situation affirm that it is the source of their greatest satisfaction in life.” The family unit most be upheld with great passion and dedication.

Parenting

Positive parenting truly influences each member of the family including the parents. Parents are able to understand true love and sacrifice. Children are able to feel secure and needed. Michael H. Popkin, Ph.D has developed a very helpful approach to parenting which he has entitled “Active Parenting.” Dr. Popkin explains the five needs of humans which include “1-belonging and contact 2-power 3-Protection 4- Challenge 5-Withdrawl.” When parents understand these needs of children, they will have more compassion and ability to influence children for good. Effective parenting focuses on rewarding positive behavior instead of punishing anticipated negative behavior. Parenting is most effective when we are consistent an respectful. Popkin‘s discusses the importance of letting natural consequences do the teaching which requires a great deal of confidence. Yet natural consequences should not teach if the situations are 1) too dangerous 2) too far in the future and 3) affects others. Thus effective parenting is active parenting.

 Kenneth Barish, Ph. D. Clinical Associate Professor of Psychology at Weill Medical College, Cornell University explains”There is no better alternative to frequent criticism and argument than patient and respectful listening. Listening does not mean agreement or giving in to unreasonable demands. When we listen, we make a genuine effort to understand and appreciate our child’s point of view and to acknowledge what is right about what he is saying before we tell him what is wrong.”  Children respond best to sincerity and genuine love and encouragement. Parents can influence their children for good when they seek to become and remain active participants in the parenting process.

Fathers in the Home

Research has revealed time and time again of the importance of fathers in the home. Fathers have the opportunity to provide security and protection as well as proper affection which can positively influence children throughout their lives. According to an article from the Office on Child Abuse and Neglect, U.S. Children’s Bureau by authors Jeffrey Rosenberg and  W. Bradford Wilcox, “Even from birth, children who have an involved father are more likely to be emotionally secure, be confident to explore their surroundings, and, as they grow older, have better social connections with peers. These children also are less likely to get in trouble at home, school, or in the neighborhood.” This emotional security is vital to children’s development and is most beneficial when both a father and a mother rear children. The same article also gives exceptional suggestions for effective fathers. These include;

• Fostering a positive relationship with the children’s mother
• Spending time with children
• Nurturing children
• Disciplining children appropriately
• Serving as a guide to the outside world
• Protecting and providing
• Serving as a positive role model.

From a gospel standpoint, fatherhood is divine and should be treated with the utmost sacredness. Elder L. Tom Perry discusses the important nature of fatherhood in this life and in the life to come in his April 2004 General Conference address entitled “Fatherhood, an Eternal Calling.” Elder Perry beautifully explains, “Fathers, by divine decree, you are to preside over your family units. This is a sobering responsibility and the most important one you will ever assume, for it is an eternal responsibility. You place the family in its proper priority. It’s the part of your life that will endure beyond the grave.” Fatherhood, positive and diligent fatherhood, is to be the main priority of men and is best accomplished through the loving guidance of our loving Father in Heaven. 

Conflict Resolution and Effective Communication

It is vital that families understand proper communication skills and teach children to resolve issues properly.

The three general media of communication are said to be words, tone, and our non-verbal communication. Many professionals delineate the percentage of each in the following way;

·         Words – 14%

·           Tone – 35%

·           Non-Verbal – 51%

This is to say that our non-verbal ways of communication explain much more than our actual words. Therefore it is necessary that families understand this truth and the importance of not only clearly stating our position but acting according to that position.  We are constantly communicating one thing or another therefore we must be mindful of those things that interfere with our ability to encode and decode information.

In order to develop clear communication skills to use in everyday life as well as in times of conflict, communication skills must be cultivated.  L. Lionel Kendrick spoke of effective communication skills in his 1988 General Conference address entitled “Christlike Communication.” Brother Kendrick explains “Christlike communications are expressions of affection and not anger, truth and not fabrication, compassion and not contention, respect and not ridicule, counsel and not criticism, correction and not condemnation. They are spoken with clarity and not with confusion. They may be tender or they may be tough, but they must always be tempered.” Some other effective means of communication include asking for clarification, restating information, attentively listening, and above all acting with love and patience. Effective communication skills can literally save families.

The Family Under Stress

Families in stressful situations whether normative or nonnormative need to develop and maintain clear communication skills.

When there is a family crisis there must be a temporary adjustment in familial roles or a changing in structure. If clear communication is not apparent, the family will not be able to voice concerns which will further increase tension. In times of stress and conflict, it is often difficult to think and reason clearly. Therefore it is key that families develop positive means of communication.  Elder Marvin J. Ashton, former member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, gave excellent advice concerning family communication in his 1976 April General Conference address entitled “Family Communication.” Elder Ashton gives seven positive communication skills, “a willingness to sacrifice, a willingness to set the stage, a willingness to listen, a willingness to vocalize feelings, a willingness to avoid judgment, a willingness to maintain confidences, and a willingness to practice patience.” If employed, these seven skills will surely aid families in times of stress.

Robert and Jeanette Lauer discuss the attributes for a “resilient family” in their book Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy. They describe the importance of “taking responsibility” in times of crisis which is a necessary component in positive communication. In times of stress, developing clear boundaries and positive communication skills will increase the families unity and likelihood for success.

Teaching Children About Intimacy

I believe that it is vital that children are taught of the sacredness of intimacy from an early age and that parents are to be the first teacher in such matters. Children need to be taught proper names for human anatomy to remove some of the mystery as well as to remove confusion. Children must be taught that there are scared and special parts of each body that need to be kept clothed and private. Elder Holland discusses the importance of our bodies in his talk entitled “Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments.” Elder Holland quotes the prophet Paul when speaking of spiritual and physical purity, “Ye are not your own.”  Children need to be taught by their parents in a loving yet direct way of the “suffering endured by Him in the Atonement” so we may live again.

According to Laura Berman, assistant clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology and psychiatry at Northwestern University, parents need to “give the information on a consistent, ongoing basis, because one talk is definitely not going to do it.” Children need to have  deep, meaningful conversations with both parents on a regular basis so when the topic of sex is brought up, it is not surprising to discuss something of importance.

Marriage

Why do people marry? This question was asked in class and I began to more fully think about the reasons why I will one day marry. There are specific physiological and emotional benefits of marriage. There are financial and social benefits. Yet these seemed more like perks rather than reasons in my mind. Marriage is ordained of God and is required for exaltation. I am so grateful for this knowledge and that I fully believe that happy, lasting marriages are possible and divine. Marriage should be a loving union between a man, a woman and God. Marriage will be difficult at times but if we revere it as something sacred, and obey and honor marriage covenants we will be blessed. Clear communication, confidence in ourselves and our spouse and clearly defined boundaries and responsibilities are all necessary in cultivating marriages that will last through the eternities.

Dating

“The best indicator of future behavior is current behavior!” This short statement offers so much wisdom. When seeking dating partners, it is important to not look for those who you would want to change. Though change is good and very possible, starting relationships with the hope of your partner changing will typically always end in failure. Dating affects future children, family of origin, future in-laws, and the list goes on an on as dating leads to marriage. It is important to be intentional and thoughtful in the dating process as it is not trivial in the least.The ‘3 P’s of Dating’ are a good way to stay focused while dating; pared off, paid for, and planned. Each ‘P’ indicates that they have qualities that will be beneficial in marriage such as practicing providing, protecting and presiding over you and eventually a family.

The Family

There are roles and behavioral differences between males and females. A loving Father in Heaven created males and females to perfect and compliment one another. Elder Boyd K. Packer stated that “some roles are best suited to the masculine nature and others to the feminine nature.” Proper boundaries and behaviors need to be developed in the family from birth. Families have the ability to cultivate talents and strengthen individuals. Families are essential to the Plan of Happiness and need to be protected.

Our discussions this week focused on same gender attraction and I was impressed with the importance to never label individuals as “gay.” Labeling often creates a sense of confusion which leads to experimentation. Peer labeling can create a strong likelihood of self fulfilling prophecy. Brother Williams explained that same gender attraction “isn’t a problem with sex but with intimacy.” I am grateful for the knowledge I have that those who struggle with same sex attraction do not always have to struggle with this particular temptation. In the next life, they will be freed from this attraction.

Social Class and Cultural Diversity

As we focused on the harsh reality of social class and the difficulty most have rising above their circumstances, I was filled with the hope that through positive reinforcement and optimism, challenges in this life can be overcome. We have the ability to change our situations through hard work and dedication. It is possible. Through the study of cultural diversity, I began to more fully understand how difficult it could be if I chose to marry someone of a vastly different cultural or social background. As marriage can already be challenging, I would never want to place added pressure on the marriage by choosing a man who does not understand my culture.

It is obviously extremely important to have kind, sympathetic feelings towards all around us. Though difficult at times, it is necessary to have patience with those most different from ourselves. Yet it is also important to not be too tolerant. I have often struggled with this idea as I never want to offend but I am coming to realize the importance of kindly stating concrete beliefs when appropriate. I loved Elder Oak’s thought given in the September 2011 CES devotional, “we cannot bend on matters of principle… we can politely disagree without being disagreeable.” We must have confidence in our moral and social beliefs especially in a society of constant change and new ideas.